:: ADA AKU KESAH? SIK DA :) ::

Kebelakangan tok, aku sekali lagik menjadi "persoalan" kepada "orang tertentu" yang sepatutnya sik mempersoalkan siapa dirik aku.

Aku sebenanya malas nak membangkitkan isu yang bagi aku, "Ada aku kesah?" kerana bagi aku pandangan orang kedak ya sik penting dalam kamus idup aku.

Apa yang penting dalam kamus idup aku ialah pandangan orang yang tauk siapa dirik aku selamak tok. Sik perlu aku nak nunjuk suma burok bait perangei aku kepada orang yang menilai hanya pada suatu tempoh ajak.

Ada bena kata pepatah, "Rambut sama jak itam (lainla mun nya dye) ati lain-lain". Susah nak madah. Asal kita sik berapa kedak dolok, yah, lalu dikata kita tok "berubah". Sampe kan kempang ati melihat orang terdekat jadi susah ati. Perasaan aku apatah lagik...bukannya ndak.

Besa gilak kah isu nok bagi aku seciput taik pusak ya? Mun nak madah pun, padahla dengan berhemah. Apa yang kurang, apa yang salah, apa yang sik dipuas ati dengan bait-bait, pelan-pelan. Janganlah sampe arum bulak seluruh Alam Maya tok tauk. Dalam Islam pun ada madah, mun ada aib orang ya, tutup-tutuplah. Jangan dikokok-kokok seluruh kampong. Berpahala ya bah menjaga/menutup aib orang lain. Bukannya ndak nak? :)

Mun nak nganok aku pun, anok jaklah. Aku saba & ngenang nok bait ajak walaupun ada pepatah orang kampong madah, "Banyak ni pun kebaikan kau polah, sekali kau molah jaik, suma nok bait ya akan ilang". Ilang pun ilanglah...kerana bagi aku semua jak kebaikan yang aku polah datang dari keikhlasan ati. Sik da nak ngarap apa-apa. Mun ada pun, semua ya atas niat yang bagus.

Sigh...entahlah. Makin dekat nak menuju bahagia, adalah isu kedak tok kelua. Malas aku nak melayan. Asal JANJI aku PEGANG, asal TANGGUNGJAWAB aku PIKUL, nok lain ya...Ada aku kesah...??? Sik da...

:: ENRAGED ME ::

RAGE. A basic human behavior. A normal thing for a human being. Over "rage". Something that is not good. Something that we must avoid. Why? Because it can affect the others. Recently, I've being RAGE. I don't know what in the world has happened for me to get ENRAGED. Am I grumpy? Is that a sign that I'm getting older or become "malfunction" in my brain? *sigh*...I guess I'm not that perfect at all.

Yeah, everyone not perfect. At least they tried to become one. Why? Because if you have someone to care about, someone to be love, then you'll know what is meant to be "perfect". Alhamdulillah, for me I finally found someone to love. Yes, I love her so much. Although there's a lot of "nuisance", challenges, barrier, the so-called "wall" before this, we managed to overcome it all. I'm not saying it was over, even more and more of it will come to us.

Yes. Sometimes in any relationship there is a problem arise. Externally and internally. I won't worry the externally. I'm more worried about the internally. Yes. Internally. For this, I've come to one conclusion. Everybody have their own the so-called, "split-personality". Everyone has. Including me. To others, this thing mere like a "joke" or "rubbish". But believe me it's true. I for once kept denying that fact. Now all the fact turns against me. I'm a "bloody-hot-tempered" person. Yes. I am.

I keep searching the other part of me. The used to be cheerful, smiling, easy-going and funny me. I'm not saying (again) that I have lost the traits. It's still part of me. But I don't know. I just don't know. I'm so afraid...to myself. Maybe I'm confused. Maybe I'm lost. Maybe I'm depressed. Who knows? Only me.

Much has happened during the last 2 months before we celebrate the beginning of 2012. The most sadden to me was the lost of my beloved father in 25 November. It was a shocked! Like a heavy punch straight to my face! I admit, that's the main reason for my "up and down" mood. I felt lost...empty. Until now, I still couldn't accept the fate. I still feel the "presence" of my dad. His voice, his shadow, his last memories...father...I missed you a lot. Forgive me for being rude, for being disobeyed from my early years until I lost you.

Alas, life must goes on. Now, another "inner" problem has arise. The so-called "family-feud". I just don't get it why it must happen. For me, it's a stupid thing. Stupid enough to carried away. I only can shake my head on this. From a simple case to bigger one! "Blood is thicker than water?" Yeah right. I can't wait to see if it's true.

At this very moment, the rain fall outside...I guess it call for me to stop rambling. *sigh*...

:: EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED ::

After a while, i found that my life has changed so much.

Too many changes in my life...in the blink of an eye, everything is not like before. Maybe it was a stage in life.

I guess it's a normal thing for everyone to change. For the better cause. But some changes might lead to some sacrifice and of such change, maybe we will lose the precious things in life...the "Friendship".

So, what friendship means?

Friendship starts from acquaintance with someone we encounter in life, no matter it is a coincidence or planned. From it, we make a bond with other person and finally he or she become our friend.

Friendship has many challenges. The friendship between a man and a woman sometimes or usually being misinterpreted by the others. As they thought there's might be something going on with the two of them.

Friendship that built from the foundation of sincerity and honesty (i'm not good with it) shares many memories. From that, we can assess who we are in their eyes. A friend is the person who we know and have less connection with. A good friend always give us a good advise. A best friend is always there for us...no matter what is the condition, happy or sad.

I have confession to be made, i'm a TERRIBLE friend.

I didn't proud or shame about it because i have HURT someone that very dear to me...my closest friend, my best friend, my english-teacher, my grammar corrector, my pronunciation debater, my gossiping partner, my movie companion...and my dearest friend. We laugh, we teased, we joke, we jog, we hangout, we fight, we shared...anything that happens without any secrecy. But now, but now i have made a mistake. A BIG MISTAKE. I have let my dear friend down.

My dear friend...i know it is too late for me to explain anything. I know any words now doesn't do any good. My mistake is mine alone to carry with, to live with. In your mind maybe i'm a coward. In your thought maybe i'm a liar. But know this, i never ever intend to hurt your feeling. Sigh, you might call it as an excuse for me to undo my wrong doing, but if you do know me better, you will understand and probably forgiving me for i am just a human being.

I'm no good in words, bad in grammar and certainly i'm not a GOOD friend. My weakness is when i do drastic decision without any thought that my decision would probably leading me to an empty spaces. Honestly, i DO MISS all the time with my dear friend. I really do...but now, everything has changed.